Listening to my wife!

I am lucky enough to have a spouse that makes helpful suggestions. As a result I rewrote my previous post on beliefs. So here are my ten commandments---make that, suggestions---for improved parenting and teaching:

1. Most things that children (and adults) learn well are tied strongly to the emotional context in which they were learned. That’s why when we try to recall how we learned something, we remember loved ones, favorite teachers, or vivid experiences. Even if the source of the knowledge is neutral, there is an emotional attachment to the material. The reason I remember who played shortstop for the 1959 Chicago White Sox, for example.

2. Learning, as the learner experiences it, is often chaotic. What we want to know is rarely available in the real world in a neat and orderly sequence. It is more like a quest or an adventure of the mind. Think of your favorite hobby and how you acquired the bits and pieces of what you needed to know to accomplish your goals.

3. The preoccupation of adults with pre-digesting information, deciding what should and should not be available to children, protecting them from so-called “bad” information, and then trying to present it to them in a neat and orderly package (a curriculum) is a waste of time! It comforts the adult, but is not effective with the child! The alternative to this approach is to use something called the “teachable moment.” The story of my grandson and the dragon in the basement was meant to be an example and I intend to come back to this idea over and over again in future posts. If you are interested in a brief description check out this link: http://www.newhorizons.org/lifelong/childhood/reuben2.htm

4. It’s frighteningly true: children learn what you do, not what you say! Over and over again, I observe parents and teachers who think they can get away with just telling children what to do, say, or think. It doesn’t work! Or it does work until you leave the room or they grow up. If the choice to behave in a certain way or learn something is not in the learner’s head and heart, it won’t stick. Understanding this can dramatically change the way we spend time with children and what they learn from it.

5. We are all role models for every child we encounter whether we intend to or not. The catch is: they get to decide what behavior, interests, and attitudes they will emulate, not us! If you have grown kids, you get to see little examples of this all the time. My son, for example, compulsively checks a locked door two or three times before moving on. Hmmm, where have I seen that behavior before?

6. There are no short cuts to self-esteem! (I prefer the old-fashioned term, self-confidence). To feel good about oneself requires risk and effort, but not always achievement. I have been a slow learner in this regard. After hundreds of experiences, it is finally dawning on me that the joy of life is in the risking…and the trying…and the internal pride in my own effort---not the end result! The tricky part for parents is to know when it is safe and appropriate for their child to take a risk. It seems to me that there is an art to this and it takes practice.

7. Children's play is vital to dynamic learning! If you spend time observing children while they play, you will notice how much of their time is spent imitating adult activities. This is an amazingly safe way for a child to take risks. And I suggest that if the kind of play a parent or teacher observes is alarming (such as violent video games), this is a major clue to listen to why this activity is so attractive. Banning the activity only postpones the opportunity to find out what's behind it.

8. The frustration of a child not doing what we want them to usually leads to a long succession of suggested threats and/or rewards. Frequently, these rewards and punishments become impractical to enforce. Children catch on to the trap adults set for themselves in a heartbeat. It's really simple, take the time to think about if the praise or threat is honest and realistic. The secret is in the power of your love and attention for the child. As parents and teachers practice toning down their rhetoric, they often learn that most children will do what you want them to because you want them to. ...This does not necessarily include teenagers (grin).

9. “We ain’t all geniuses!” Particularly as parents (or grandparents), we want to believe our children are the smartest, the fastest, the toughest, the prettiest, etc.! Fine. But doesn’t truth matter? Kids know when someone is smarter than they are. Or a better basketball player. We would do our children many more favors if we modeled an honest assessment of our own strengths and weaknesses and discussed strategies for how to make the best of them. In my opinion, the No Child Left Behind legislation is an example of an entire culture declaring that we all learn at the same pace and in the same way. Shame, shame, shame!

10. In the end, the only one responsible for what is learned, how much is learned, and what values are applied to one's own behavior is the child. We can hold teachers responsible for knowing a subject matter, behaving in a professional matter, and modeling effective attitudes toward learning. We can hold parents and schools responsible for providing for the safety and physical well-being of their children. But we cannot exclude the child from taking responsibility for the results of their own choices. That is disaster in the making!